April 22, 2007 | 10:02 pm |
this might be one of the worst dreams that i’ve had in a long while. after ikea i came back and i was so tired i fell asleep on the sofa for two hours and had this dream and i can’t say that it was horrible because now that i think back and not remember so much it doesn’t seem that horrid anymore, but they say that dreams are actually how your brain releases stress and if it is then i have released loads and loads of if through this dream.
it’s in japan. and there are teachers accompanying us. we stayed in a motel that may have been in my dreams before, and there are two beds in each room, though the rooms are very small. the building is dreary grey and cracked.
i do not know exactly when this started because only this sticks in my head so deeply. i am at the bus stop and i have just crossed the overhead bridge. there is a huge sized caucasian man and he has big eyes, and he grabs me by both hands and presses me into an embrace. i am, understandably, damned freaked. i try to get away, but he grips too tightly and i am smothered by him and i cannot see anything. i try to get the attention of the people at the bus stop but they do not look around at us. then he says “now i am going to spin you” and he turns me around so that now he is behind me and i try to resist what he’s making me do but i can’t and i blindly move about doing my best to thrash around. when i return from the spin out he holds me by the waist.
somehow i thrash about and i am getting free but now he grabs me by whatever he can and i am grabbed by the tshirt and the pants and i try and kick him and pry his grip off me desperately. then he gropes at my underwear. i do not care for his welfare and i struggle and thrash about until finally i am free. but i come out violated.
before this or maybe after, i received a note: Yonghui come to _____ (a place) and somehow i know that it is from meronpan so i go there.
the place is in the middle of a junction of three roads and it is surrounded by shopping cenntres and buildings. it is a cobblestone street. in the middle there is a lamppost standing straight and tall and YUI’s bandscore book is lying on the ground next to it. that is the first thing i see and i am delighted and i pick it up and flip through it. then i see the hard guitar case not very far away and my breath is taken away because there is a note saying that it is for me and it is brandnew, from SG YUI-lovers. i am excited and extremely happy. i show this off to the two people whose face i cannot remember and ruiqi and vanessa.
there is a shop or an eatery along the streets somewhere and they were showing a movie. i went in and watched it and i enjoyed it very much. it is about a little girl. at night the streets are dangerous because there are wild animals roaming about.
after a short delay or some business or another, i board a bus and sit on the second level on the left side at the window. its not really a second level, it is only half as much higher than the first. there are two blonde women sitting in front of me, they are dirty blondes and they tie their hair up in a ponytail and they are loud and outspoken. then the caucasian man enters the bus and sits in front of me. this is when i notice that he has big black eyes and he has stubble from his chin to his ears. and i am frightened. he looks up and he sees me staring at him and the eye contact was intense though i do not konw how long it lasted. by this time, everyone in the bus knows what happened at the bus stop. and the two caucasian dirty blondes begin talking about it and potraying me in a negative light.
suddenly there are two insects clinging to my pants, and they are working their way up steadily to where blood was smeared. i am reminded of how the caucasian man grabbed me wildly and i feel sick. i brush them off with difficulty. but they return again and each time they return they appeared nearer and nearer and i am freaked out and i try my best to brush them away but it is so hard. one of them is brown with long antennae and the other is green with black protruding eyes and looking like a mini praying mantis. every time they come back i am reminded again of how the blood smears got there from the caucasian man and then suddenly i find one insect sitting in each of my jacket pockets and i panic. i try to make them get off but they cant and now i become so desperate i resort to trying to kill them and i flail at them and brush them off and try to make them get off get off get off get off get off and i scream and shout and when the insects finally got off i go to the back of the bus in sit in the corner and think the insects wont disurb me again.
they are always back, and it is so hard to get rid of them. i brush them off again and again, and one time i found them in the pockets of my jackets, one on each side, looking up at me. i cannot take it anymore. my urge to get rid of them, to make them get off me overwhelms everything and i try to kill them while shaking them off instead. they must get off they must get off they must get off get them off get them off get them off and i panic and i scream and everyone in the bus just looks on and the caucasian man stares at me and i cannot help but recall what he had done to me to cause the blood smeared on my clothing everything i am accosted by the insects and i lose my nerve and i am wild and i run to the back off the bus after i have gotten the insects off and sit in the corner.
the back of the bus is occupied by singaporeans. and the small girl beside me tells her grandmother that it is too bad that i am not very pretty and it makes her think i come from pulau ubin, and even though what happened to me is bad, it is only my loss. a boy turns around and loudly proclaims that i am nothing and insignificant and ugly and it doesn’t matter what happened to me. and i sit there.
there was a movie being played in a shop. i enjoyed it for a long time. i can’t remember what it was now, but it was about a ltitle girl. the streets are dangerous at night, because there are wild animals about.
when i get back to our motel everyone has heard about what happened and the teachers ask me what has happened and what is wrong and i just stare at them nervously. a shop owner of a nice shop decorated in black and white comes over and says the period in japan is hot now, some people get over heated and do bad things. we were in the helicopter and i was seated in the middle of two male teachers and they were all concerned and asking me questions bu i only could see the image of that caucasian man in front of me seared in my mind. i become hysterical and i reject everybody and i want to be safe in some place with nobody watching that movie that i like and they offer to send me to the other hostel and keep me there, for a while. i remember paul tan sitting opposite me in the helicopter and questioning me.
before this i went with the two people whose face i couldnt remember to look for something in our motel rooms, and when we opened the door i had never seen the place, there were two beds, then we realise that it is weiling’s room so we exit.
it is dark at night and we are all together outside the motel and i am hysterical and ruiqi and rachel come in the helicoipter and ruiqi is having fun messing around with the helicopter trying to master piloting and she has fun. and she flies us to the other place, we reach the airport of it but straightaway i am going up the escalator to the food court of that place and there are shops all around. me and ruiqi walk around everywhere and look at the shops, pretending nothing has happened but i feel hollow.
outside on the roads we are joined by vanessa and huishan and we are walking to a place with nice food, and as we were stepping out onto the road somebody reminds me that it is YUI’s birthday on that day so i shout blindly “YUI OMEDETOU!” and ruiqi says yonghui are you crazy ah and i laugh. a black man asks us something in english and we answer oddly and i have no idea what he said, but as he overtook us vanessa said that he was one of the Noels who are black french people living in japan and they are not very rich or educated and there are so many of them. we are in the street they frequent and so as i turn around i see another three in black tshirts and light coloured jeans, with cowboy hats and two with scarves.
we walk towards the shop. and they have really nice food. then we are back at our own motel, and ruiqi has flown the helicopter.
April 21, 2007 | 10:16 am |
April 10, 2007 | 10:19 pm |