November 7, 2008 | 11:42 pm |
it’s amazing how everything seemed to be going so well,
but something spoils it all and if it isn’t you it’ll be your fault soon
but why.
i still wonder if it’s this hard for everyone else
or because we’re two fastidiously guarded souls, perenially on the brink of shrinking back
so that we won’t continue getting hurt we’ll deny ourselves the chance
lock it and throw the key into a bottomless well it’s never opening up again
measured words
carefully concealing and denying hope
faking indifference
i might be the only one, but sometimes it makes me bleed.
October 29, 2008 | 9:34 pm |
shall i compare thee to a summer’s day
where sweltering harsh sunlight beats down
on one’s brow in the scorched air
shall i compare thee to a winter’s day
gusty winds biting and frozen
thy fingers and heart frosted over
—
imagine, in a spluttering shower of fireworks and bright sparks, disintegrating into the thin night air
—
and she peered at me, with eyes misted over with cataracts
October 27, 2008 | 3:32 pm |
i was going to be late for my piano lesson, and the sky was already dark, so i hurried out of my friend’s apartment and went down to take the bus. but looking through my handphone inbox during the bus ride, i realised that i’d already missed the timing and my teacher didnt bother to call me. reaching the bus interchange, or i thought i was, i was so tired i fell asleep while walking, causing the queue to come to a standstill behind me. this happened a few times, but everyone was very considerate and this old man chided me and woke me up to keep me walking. we reached our seats, and i was still groggy and drugged with sleep.
i reached the playground arena, which looks a lot like the playground in my estate but magnified several times, and went to sit on the edge overlooking the landscape on the grille. on one side, there was a sheltered area that looked like objectifs where yumeng eechu cedric noreen marissa vera and others were sitting around. i preferred outside where there was less noise and was sitting there peacefully when a sandstorm started. the lady in charge at the tower shouted for me to go in, but by that time the sand had hit me like a huge tidal wave and swirled in my vision and choked me, and i was on the verge of falling. i heard yumeng say in the distance, hey someone go and get her! whereupon eechu trudged over in a white shirt and dark jeans to help me - why it seemed so effortless for him i had no idea, but i was suffocating and couldn’t move. he tried to lift me up and out of my seat but it didnt work. he stood there helpless and i gritted my teeth and squinted my eyes, beginning to make my way to the shelter across the suspension bridge. it seemed that the sandstorm didnt affect eechu at all, and he strode back before me. reaching the shelter, i was exhausted and collapsed on the floor with my head on the pillow that noreen and marissa were sharing. they welcomed me readily and pityingly from my ordeal - there were computers and good stuff around, so i felt at ease immediately and settled to watch the sandstorm rage outside.
October 9, 2008 | 1:05 am |
071008
maybe i’m just hoping to imprint on someone, leave a mark on something else other than myself, to make me feel like i wasn’t so alone and i would be somewhere in someone else.
this increasing self-reliance on others - or rather specifically one person - is going to kill me one day. and i’ll end up an embittered soul who can’t trust anyone. but i’m dying to.
ms huo said her friends think they can do better on their own - but i don’t want to be alone, i’d much rather have someone with me.
perhaps what i want is really a telepathic twin who won’t ever disappoint me and know what to do with me and be nice all the time. which is supremely inhuman and impossible, sadly to say.
i feel like a mussel, a mollusc, some shellfish. my shell is tough - tougher than the wind, the water, the rock and it’s smooth and polish and a delight to see. but inside i’m just shrivelled and small and curled up in a corner and i dont want to see anything or be anywhere.
081008
i remember how listening to old songs made me think of old times. i used to think it would be really good if everyone had a computer or something attached to them, and they could broadcast their opinion/status/thoughts to other people without speaking. like an overhead marquee or something. because it seemed like such a hassle to talk to people, especially when i felt at peace and quiet, answering someone took a lot of effort. especially if the questions were repetitive or retarded. it would be fun - something you can switch on and off at will.
i still feel that answering people is a hassle. especially to my family members and stuff. and in the morning when i don’t feel like talking and am just happy moving around quietly. silence is really really apt for mornings.
on the question of reliance on other people - yes, it has gotten out of hand. and i’m floundering, and i get hurt. this isn’t a very healthy relationship, but i dont want to lose a good friend - i’ve never had such a good friend, and i hope you realise that it was really a big step for me. you cracked my shell. you really did - but it was only to you and to no one else but it’s falling apart and i have no idea what to do but you’re not here because we’re so different and so same we start repelling and we seem like we can’t get any closer without spiking the other
is it that hard for everyone else.
September 25, 2008 | 2:40 pm |
It’s like being shredded, having your flesh being slashed into strips and hanging limply. You can’t believe its your body anymore, because it doesn’t look any different from the rank meat dangling from butcher shops. You can’t feel the pain because your body is numb and you can’t see anything because your vision is hazy and blurred. Bursts of colour explode from the corners of your eyes – red, pink, purple, blue, yellow, like fountains springing forth with bounds of life and energy, spraying spraying spraying. The only torture comes from inside, ricocheting off the bounds of your mind, bickering and lashing.
sometimes i’m kinda morbid, but i was tearing myself apart. i can write nice things too.
I’m stuck to you like glue
How wondrous for me to know you flew
A million miles to see me
Counting on the peaks of cities
Scouring clouds and faces like honeybees
Speed me away to a giant lake
Come with me to catch snowflakes
And we can waste the day away
Like no other day has ever been
Together and in happiness.
sounds so bimbo bah.
September 12, 2008 | 1:25 am |
being left alone.
being forgotten and neglected.
being ignored.
being insignificant.
being alone by my lonesome self unable to seek comfort to shield me from the pain of self-inflicted wounds.
being alone in an overcrowded space where everyone knows each other and everyone is better off without me.
being erased.